|What if birds aren’t singing and they’re screaming because they are afraid of heights?|
I stumbled upon this silly question on Tumblr and it amazed me. It said this: What if birds aren’t singing and they’re screaming because they are afraid of heights?
On my first reading through this, it easily made me laugh. But for the second time reading this, I paused for a moment and realized the secret wisdom in this question. I thought so many things in my head. Many of these things are related to my current situation.
Quick flashback before I continue. Two months ago I resigned from my beautiful job because of the many bad people at work. Another reason to my resignation was the big dream in the making which was supposed to be starting last month. But it did not. I ended up staying at home, jobless, taking care of my babies. Please do not get me wrong, I love to spend time with my kids but I have other role that I need to do. I am not sure if I am saying it right here.
Sometimes I thought it could just be a pride issue because I am the man who should be out working for my family, not my wife. And another side of that pride is that I am with my mother in law at home keeping the house and taking care of my babies. Somehow it feels embarrassing. I know my mother in law is a good person and she would not do or say anything like that. Still, it feels like I am hearing silent indictments that go like salted live earthworms which is if I sum them up into two painful words, it is I FAILED. I am also embarrassed with the idea that my current situation will be known to my ex-colleagues from my past job. Then last month, my two babies were confined in the hospital due to severe pneumonia.
I am not giving up. I know it is just a little change in the schedule. But sometimes I am so weak that I let doubt to rise in my heart. When that happens, I cannot figure out which step is next. I start asking where I should go after this. What will happen in January? I am starting to be so out of control from the inside. I somehow feel losing my purpose.
I know these are just lies. I know that I am not a failure. I know that there is still hope. I know that my God is with me all this time. And I am very sure that He will never leave my side for He is faithful.
Here is the part where that bird question relates to me now. I am pretending to be okay because I want to be strong for good reason. I want people to reassess me right now. Perhaps they think I am okay but what if I am not and I cannot just be honest? I just thought, where are those people who before they talk to you, or before they preach to you, they feel you first, that they spend time with you and try to be patient with you first?
And then another thought pops in my head, (yes, I do not stop thinking even if I want to.) What if I am also thinking the same way other people think? What if they are not singing but screaming, too? Suddenly I feel so selfish for thinking too much of myself.
At the end of the day, it is always Him who is the perfect one I can always count on to. And He never fails. I keep running in circles but He remains patient. I will never understand completely His love for me because His love is too big for my normal-sized brain. But that gives me solace.
Note to me: This is not yet the end of everything. You are in the process of making your big dreams come true. You cannot bake a huge cake in three seconds, you know? Just be patient and you will be eating that cake real soon.