Two months to go and I’ll be thirty. Three decades of living. That is approximately 10, 950 days being here on earth. I am thinking of those old plans I had in the past. Frankly, I can’t remember most of them. And I can’t either remember which of them had materialized.
In the beginning of this year, I had made three brave declarations. First, I would be doing a job that I truly enjoy. Second, I would get published this year. And third, I would be standing in our local church inspiring people about God’s love and grace through a sermon.
Now, I just realized that we only have short four months left before another year begins. In other words, I am running out of time to fulfill these.
Well, about the first one, I am not sure but I think I am enjoying the work that I have right now. I think it is because finally we have now a fair situation in the office. So I am down to the remaining two big declarations.
Looking back, there were so many great blessings that happened this year for me and for my family. However, I can’t lie to myself that I have been depressed and very sad most of the time. Even the little trivial things could easily piss me off.
One time on a bus, I saw a fat fly on my glass window. He was so still, not moving an inch. If only I could see his eyelids, I might say that he must be sleeping. I read somewhere saying that flies only got to live a maximum of thirty days. What a very short life they have.
So in my head, I was telling this fly to, well, fly. He got to start living before a whole month was over. He couldn’t afford taking a nap. Every second of his very short life should count. But he was there, quiet and uncaring. To some point, I envy him for living a peaceful life.
This brought me to an idea, and I knew what my problem is. It is in my spiritual life. I am struggling to read my Bible and I have been absent in the church for so long.
I even posted this on facebook. I also sent text messages to many friends. And it disappointed me that no one really reached out to me. I was hoping that somehow these people would feel concerned and start looking for me. But there’s none.
It angered me more. I was hurt for feeling that no one, not even my Christian friends, really cared for me. I even thought this, should it be the job of Church leaders to save the lost ones and the found-and-lost-again ones?
One time I was caught in traffic on our way home. I saw a sign that said Work in Progress. I thought it was a sign for me, that I was a work in progress. It could mean that all the inconveniences and pains happening to me now are because I am a work in progress. That God is not yet done with me. The thought of having God through all this somehow comforted me. But what really hit me that moment was the thought that even those people I contacted on facebook and through text messages were all also under construction. This means everyone. Our pastors, small group leaders, Christian friends. I have my issues and so do they.
Every morning I wake up telling myself that I would go to church on the next Sunday. This has been like a chant for me for the past months. I feel guilty because it remains like a chant until now. But I am also relieved to know the truth that God is very patient with me. He loves me with no limits and boundaries. I know that going to church would not save my soul. But it is one of the many beautiful fruits of a healthy relationship between me and God.
Today, my wife and our baby went to Church. The original plan was that they would go to Church in the morning with my in-laws, and then I would go to Church all by myself in the afternoon. Then it rained.
I was becoming crazy on this topic, but it felt like something hinders me from doing it. Then, God seems to whisper to me that He understands and that I can worship Him anywhere, anytime.
I am thankful that even if I only have four months left this year, it is still not late to start over.